Rambled Opinions and General Snarkiness: First 2014 Releases, WonderBread the Ballerina, and Super Bitching

I hate you, bitch.

So as I said yesterday, I was going to make up for three days off of posts here by spending an entire post bitching about the new shit, especially WonderBread up there. And a good pagan keeps her promises. This time, I even took the delightful time out of my busy schedule of writing and bitching and exhaustion to go to the store and look at the shit myself. Okay so I always go to the store the first day I can in the new year to see the new shit. This also involved introducing my bro to the wonderful snarkybits of AG. I even took some pictures--not a lot, mind, because seriously, fuck this bitch, but some of this hideousness just isn't properly experienced until you look at it directly. I may also be irrationally pissed that the Seattle location put her on an entire wall that was moddie stuff.

Jump below the cut, and prepare for a lot of cussing and bitching. Nethie ain't happy, my droogs.

Get the entire fuck out of here.

Isabelle Palmer, Girl of the Year 2014: I've talked about this since the leak. It's the post on here with the most hits. At some point someone linked to the post from Facebook on AG's site directly and my hits exploded, and it gets a lot of Google search pull ups. Likely because people type "American girl 2014 Isabelle" into the Googles and my post pops up.¹ But for the fresh faces here, and because we got more data, and because she is--regretably--the new chick from AG, let's go into more reasons why for the rest of the year I'm calling her WonderBread the Ballerina. She's joining the Pit of Disparaging Nicknames along with Chipolte Mayo from New Mexico and McSeattle the Gymnast, who got her entire premise of possibly being a stand in for the favored girl for the 2012 Olympics fucked up by Gabby Douglass getting into the all around and wiping the floor with everyone. Like Beyoncé Knowles-Carter, your faves could never. But I digress.

"But Neth," some idiot says before drooling the word "marketing" or "popularity" or "it's what sells" out of their mouth like a rabid raccoon begging to be put down by my Logic Claws, "you didn't even give her a chance before you hated her! She's out now, certainly your opinion has changed?" Yes it has. For the worse. I've seen her smarmy little Classic Mold face and gotten two chapters into her first book² and I hate her even more. If I had a week I couldn't cover every reason I hate her--including that waste of a meet outfit--but let's go over three of the hook in only-for-her pink highlights of her fail.

-- She's from Washington, DC. As soon as I heard that I fell out screeching Black Lady Church style and almost didn't get my post for the 28th done, until I took some deep breaths and screamed on Tumblr. Why? Let me Wikipedia it at you:

According to 2012 U.S. Census Bureau data, the population of Washington, D.C., was 50.1% Black or African American, 42.9% White (35.5% non-Hispanic White), 3.8% Asian, and 0.8% Native American Indian, Alaskan, Hawaiian, or Pacific Islander. Individuals from two or more races made up 2.5% of the population. Hispanics of any race made up 9.9% of the District's population. Washington has had a significant African American population since the city's foundation.

Look at them bolded part. Absorb it. And then get pissed. American Girl, let me get this shit straight. You picked, for this year's setting, one of the cities in the US with a significant large black population going back to the days of the city's founding back in the late 1700s. One of the top ten cities with a major black population. And you gave us another white girl. Good job at fucking it up.

--She has a Friend of Color. As I said, I got the books, as I do. I started in on the first book. One page in and I was pissed.

Because Isabelle has a friend named Luisa, who has an older brother in the Army and a snappy attitude and is described as having dark skin and dark brown hair. You created a character of color. She's right there. But instead we have to hear the pitiful whining of a girl who isn't as wonderful as big sissy and got in under one of her sister's slots and who has performance anxiety, instead of the little brown girl whose brother is in the army and who nine of ten worked her entire ass off to get in instead of getting in partially because her older sister did some of the hard work for her already, and sounds like an excellent dancer and is fretting that she hasn't heard from Big Bro in a while. No, she gets to be the sidekick to Isabelle's milquetoast ass. Fuckin' a, y'all. (Also, why is she so damn light colored in the books, fix your shit.)

--AG is claiming diversity in response to the criticism of the line, and it's all hollow words. Their official statement in repsonse to the petition by Melissa Shang (which is over 62k signed now, way past the initial 50k she pushed for) is as follows:

American Girl is proud of its positive reputation for inclusiveness, and it is an important area in which we remain committed to exploring and expanding. We receive hundreds of passionate requests to create a variety of dolls and books based on a wide range of circumstances, and we are always considering new ways to enhance our product lines.

I used to work customer service, AG. I know when the PR folk and the CS people are going "shit shit they want a response, what do we give them quick write a statement they want a response, make a thing because they're unhappy!" And that's what that is. Y'all getting calls and complaints left and right about this bitch and silence in the face of criticism is generally worse than any response.

Oh, you're serious. Let me laugh even harder.

Then there's this shit that came off ABC News and super highlights the fail. Yes, it's just a juxtaposition of another AG story to add more hits. But that header, doe. "American Girl Dolls Embrace Differences and Disabilities," the article says. Really? Really? AG is so good at diversity! Let us introduce this able-bodied middle to upper class white blonde dancer girl who is white like almost all our GotY have been! Oh but she has highlights! Pink hair counts as diverse, right? *glares* Words are a half penny a pop, AG. How about I throw Samantha's embroidery pillow that says "Actions Speak Louder Than Words" at your head and hope the message sticks.

I hope Isabelle tanks. I hope she tanks hard, and AG gets the Wake-Up Slap³ they need to stop tossing us these stale end of the loaf of Wonder Bread characters as weak as dishwasher middling lack of risks and make a Girl of the Year that doesn't scream "middle of the road whiteness."

On to her collection which I had notions of jacking for Marisol and the other moddies. Note the "had."

Burn it. Burn it all, almost.

The Multi-Piece Collection: Instead of selling four or five set outfits for Isabelle to start, like everyone else that's come along, she gets eleven individual items:

• Isabelle's Coral Sweater
• Isabelle's Rosette Leotard  
• Isabelle's Wrap Sweater  
• Isabelle's Purple Leotard  
• Isabelle's Practice Top 
• Isabelle's Dance Skirt  
• Isabelle's Funky Leggings  
• Isabelle's Sparkly Skort  
• Isabelle's Scrunch Pants  
• Isabelle's Tutu  
• Isabelle's Legwarmers Set
  

And most of it comes with the girl sized component. The pieces are priced so that, by picking up three or so things, you have an outfit. Well, an outfit sans shoes, but an outfit nevertheless.

...Girl, you're a fashion designer. Well, you claim to be. And canonically, you designed a lot of this. Um. The 80s called and they would like to inform you that while your parents were probably born during that era you are not them and you have fucked it up. Well I guess if you can't be a shining example, you can at least be a hideous reminder.

I hated the practice top the second I saw it because of the weird wrap thing. I was meh on the purple leotard--like me around sexy people, I could go a number of ways--but then I saw it up close and it had weird seaming and all that gold shit and if I put it on my Marisol she'd bawl her eyes out. The sweater almost passed, but the thumb holes, really are we doing that I just used to pull sweaters over my hands and push them up when I needed to use my hands. The dance skirt and pants suffer from sequin barf--I like sequins but they're like salt and this is like throwing handfuls in instead of pinches. The purple wrap top? Was a maybe but then I saw it had Isabelle's logo and I pissed myself in anger. At least I already have Marisol's that she can wear over her leotards. The leggings have that side tie thing I can't get off and the skort is too visually busy. Grrr.

The white rosette leotard might be a thing to get and pair with the tutu for Marisol since Marisol here does not have a white leotard. But I'd have to pop that rosette off. If I have to seam rip things off, I generally have to be motivated to do so. Not til later. I did get the leggings set, because the leggings can go into Kimmy's 80s fashion wardrobe.

The most I can do, man.

Isabelle's Pajamas: What the fresh hell is this, why do they have a wrap front, what is this, take it away.

Uh. Huh. And you want how much for this?

Isabelle's Kitten: Oh for fucks sake even the cat is white and oh my god you have a cat are you just entirely ripping off Marisol

Isabelle's Accessories: *looks at ID* Yes. Yes you are. 

Isabelle's Metallic Dress:  I can make this work but I'm going to have to rip the entire metallic layer off to do so. Cause it's unnecessary and adds nothing to the dress.

Isabelle's Studio: The big component of this year's collection, like Chipolte's air balloon, Enviro-Lanie's camper⁴ and McSeattle's unnecessarily huge bed. Apparently we're jacking Chrissa as well as Marisol. Fuck this thing. If I'm going to spend $275 I'm getting an actual working full sized machine, not just a faker. And seeing as I have three actual machines in the house already I don't need any more. Hell, I can get a working toy machine for like $40.⁵ I can buy a doll dress stand and a white storage cabinet from Target and some small mirrors and make my own doll sized design studio. In fact, I might do that shit. If I want to throw away money on something that I won't have a lot of fun with for a while I'll buy a WiiU.

Isabelle's Dance Case: That is too much for slippers and hair stuff and storage. And the slippers are sparkly. WonderBread are you a ferret must everything you own be covered in shiny shit.

Isabelle's Performance Set: To answer the question, apparently, yes. If this hadn't been a unitard I'd have put it on the maybe pile that Chipolte's dress ended up in and then never got bought.

Isabelle's Dance Barre: blah blah ballet barre blah blah water bottle blah bla--

Oh god damn it.

fuck. A decent, cute pair of dance shoes with wrap components and they only come with the barre set? AG you're busting my chops, man, you're busting my chops. We can consider the possibility of being best friends if I can get just them shoes. The barre is now a maybe. But really I just want the shoes. Someone get me just the shoes. I'll give you something nice in return. I can sew.

....I have boobs.

Other Stuff That Came Out

Well, we're starting this year off pink.

Pretty Pink Outfit: It's pink. It's real pink. It's the kind of thing Marisol or Gwenni would wear. ...Maybe. I got a while.

Friends Are Sweet Set: Who's ready for lesbian doll shenanigans! Y'all can say friendship all you want but I'm going to read smut into everything.

Canvas Shoes, Platform Sandals: oh hey new shoes. I will probably the canvas shoes at a later time. The platforms are going to need to get a look, cause I hate AG heels.

Turquoise Glasses, Rosy Glasses, Lime Glasses: Everyone here has glasses that needs em. The Rosy ones are interesting, but not really Abbi's style. Speaking of which, her glasses have been out a while, I might have to buy backups.

Tennis Outfit III: sports whatever I'm over here.

I always chill at the spa in my panties.

Heart Tank and Brief Set, Pink Tank and Brief Set II: Pink dresses and pink underwear. We really are starting off this year pink. I'm hit or miss on the heart print set, but I got the pink set for Gwenni to feel pretty in. Oh and if you didn't get the blue dotted underwear and sports bra set from 2011 then sucks to be you they're retired now.

Charm-Keeper Necklace: Hey now you don't have to buy a whole doll to get the necklace for your charms, ain't that the shit. That's not sarcasm. I like the charm necklace. Shanna has one.

Bitty Baby Shit: Fuck off, I don't care.

*~*~* 

So, a year of this Isabelle Wonderbread shit. *aggravated meltdown whining sighing* 2015 better not fuck up like this one. Even your target audience outside of the dim white girls are going "AG, this blows, you claim diversity and then give up this shit." Open your ears and your eyes and pay attention to what the fuck you're doing. Even Japan realized that maybe the world isn't all white and pale people and added a brown option to Pokémon XY. White as default is quickly becoming a liability. There are tons of people skipping over Isabelle because they're sick of something they've already seen--a dancer, pink, white, all of it. You claim that you take three years to plan things, but it doesn't take three years to pick a character of color. The stories you've told could have been told by dolls of color. We don't need a special setting--especially when you've gone to two high PoC locations and defaulted to a white girl twice in a row and expected us to settle for a brown sidekick. Hell, 2009 at least gave us the brown sidekick in doll form. And I know for a fact that there were images of Mia right before she came out and there had been a brown option, but you fail-safed to white. Stop doing this shit and release a diverse GotY. Put your money where your mouth is instead of this lukewarm bullshit.

Now I'm off to take pictures of Felicity's fancy gown.

--Neth

¹ And now I'll get more hits. Thanks, common word searches!
² I collect AG books because books are a good thing and I'd like to have the primary source when I bitch about shit in books. So even if I hate an AG character, I'll get the book. I have Kailey's book and I hate her entire face.
³ That's a Pokémon Joke. Wake-Up Slap deals damage and will have double the power when the target is sleeping. Thanks, Bulbapedia!
⁴ You want to talk about characters I don't like? I haven't even read Lanie's books and it's been four years. 
⁵ Even if it would just be for display. As a kid and even now I'm such a lead foot sewer that I used to blow the motors out of the plastic toy machines. My mom finally had to put me on a full sized.